Before beginning therapy, it's important to sit down and discuss your goals for the process. Consider factors such as the length of therapy, whether it will be a consistent part of your health routine, and how often you would like to engage in sessions (weekly, monthly, etc.). Determine if you would like to focus on specific tools for a period of time and then return to therapy later. By actively participating in the process and having a say in how you engage, you can ensure a more beneficial outcome.

a. Remember, working together with your therapist is really important. While it's important to listen to their advice, it's equally crucial to speak up and share your own thoughts and feelings. And if you're having trouble, don't be afraid to try new things and see what works best for you. Just keep an open mind and stay focused on your goals!

2. It is imperative to have notepads and pens during therapy sessions to ensure you can take notes and complete exercises as needed. Furthermore, you may ask for a follow-up email that summarizes the topics covered, tools utilized, and any homework or goals assigned for the week.

a. If you take notes, make sure to avoid leaving them folded up in your back pocket for weeks. Remember to take them out and review them regularly.

3. Before and after each therapy session, it would be helpful to plan ahead. As the one paying for the therapy, it's important to consider what topics you want to discuss during the session. Afterward, reflecting on what was discussed and identifying any further topics to address can greatly enhance the therapy process for both partners.

a. The pre and post sessions don't have to take hours. They can be as short as 10 minutes. However, if they feel connecting and go on for longer, it's okay to continue. If you find yourself dreading these sessions due to their length, we should discuss this further in therapy and work towards adjusting the time limit.

5.  Please make sure to complete the homework that we discussed during our last session. It would be helpful if you can try to finish it before the night before our next meeting. Your dedication to completing the homework demonstrates how much priority you place on our therapy. I don't mean to take it personally, but I believe it's important for both partners to prioritize working on the marriage and utilizing the tools we discuss in therapy. This includes challenging conflict management techniques, especially when you are feeling overwhelmed by emotions during a conflict.

6.  It's important to acknowledge your own character flaws and recognize how they can affect your relationships, including those with your partner and others. It's crucial to identify destructive patterns and determine how they can potentially harm or trigger those around you.

a. It may be helpful to consider individual therapy as part of your journey towards healing. Trauma can have a profound impact on the brain, making it difficult to navigate relationships without some form of intervention. If you are experiencing depression or anxiety, seeking help outside of couples therapy can provide valuable tools and interventions to manage these challenges. Additionally, discussing your mental health concerns with a professional can help you understand how they may be affecting your relationship, allowing you to process your emotions before bringing them to your partner.

7.  Check in with your therapist to talk about the process and goals that you are working on. How do you feel about continuing or what else do you want to spend time working on? Again, collaboration is always welcomed. 

8. Meditate, journal, and stretch - every day because it is important.

The guided meditation headspace app is fabulous

Expressing gratitude can help us avoid feelings of anxiety. Additionally, practicing stretching exercises can help us become more attuned to our body, allowing us to better recognize when we are feeling overwhelmed or activated in any way.

9. I understand that trust takes time to build, and it's okay to take it slow. However, being truthful is essential for us to move forward. As your therapist, I need to have all the information to provide the best guidance and support for you. So when you're ready, please share with me openly and honestly, without fear of judgment or criticism. I'm here to help you, and I want you to feel safe and heard.

Books I recommend to go along with therapy.

7 Principles to Making Marriage Last (get the workbooks, too) Gottman

Hold Me Tight - Sue Johnson

Getting the Love You Want (get the workbooks, too) - Harvald Hendrix

After the Fight - Dan Wilde

What Women Want - Gottman

Come as you Are -Emily Nagoski

What happened to you- Oprah and Dr. Perry

The Body Keeps the Score (recommended for those who can dig into really dense material, and this book deals specifically with trauma). - Bessel Vander Kov

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous _ trust me. We all need to read it, and we could all use the 12 steps in our lives.